Now That I'm Over 50

OK, technically only a few days, but my two best friends and I start counting the upcoming year as soon as our day hits. One of the gifts I received was a book entitled "100 Things I'm Not Going To Do Now That I'm Over 50". Wonderful advise for any age, and I had to share a few things - things I already embrace.
#67 I'm not going to wake up houseguests. Especially if they're my own children. They are adults who know how to manage their own time, and I am not the Marriott.
#71 I'm not going to bargain with God. Never again. He holds us to our promises to the last syllable of recorded time. Better to just talk things over.
#74 I'm not going to avoid mentioning the dead. Grief is not assuaged by oblivion; wounds are not exacerbated by remembrance. Our immortality may be only in vigorous memories; our healing surely is.
#80 I'm not going to override the afternoon window of sleepability. I am a vision of feline sensuality, stretching languorously on a sun-warmed chaise. I am not a middle-aged woman taking a nap.
Today, right now, life is good.

Still With Me

Yesterday I was blessed to have attended the funeral for
little Wyatt Thomas Yuan. The eulogy spoken by his parents was beautiful.
That they had the strength and presence of both mind and body to do so, was utterly amazing.
As I was hugging my good-byes to Brittany she asked me how long it would be until it felt better. I told her that after 20 plus years I still occasionally have a hard day. That what she would find after time is that the bad days would be further and further apart. That she would have longer stretches of good days with happy memories.
Brit and Ili seem to be more grounded than I was when I lost Jimmy. But I also remember putting up a strong front to those other than my very closest family. I felt like I was swimming through sludge, and I remember just wanting to sleep. And then while sleeping, I'd dream of him in my arms and awaken just to lose him all over again. It helped the most to talk about Jimmy - to know that others kept him alive in their thoughts as well. And I had to learn to be tolerant of others who, in misguided sincerity, and with only the best intentions, said things like "you'll have another child" as if my Jimmy could be replaced - or "this was for the best" when to me, with the wound in my heart still so fresh, nothing about it felt like "the best".
If I could give Brit and Ili any words of comfort,
it would be that for me, twenty-four years later, Jimmy is still with me. He is never far from my thoughts, and many times over the years I've felt his spirit like a physical blanket wrapped around me. I speak of him often and I always include him when I'm asked about my children. I'm grateful for the understanding I've gained because of my loss, and I count every moment till I can see my son again.

For Brittany and Ili

God's Lent Child

"I'll lend you a child for a little while
A child of mine," God said
"For you to love the while he lives
And mourn for when he's dead.
It may be six or seven years
Or twenty-two, or three
But will you, till I call him home,
Take care of him for Me?

I cannot promise he will stay,
Since all from earth return
But there are lessons taught below
I want this child to learn.
I've looked the whole world over
In my search for parents true
And from the paths that crowd life's lanes
I have chosen you.

He'll bring his charms to gladden you,
And should his stay be brief
You'll have his loving memory
As a solace for your grief.

Now, will you give him all your love,
Not think the effort vain,
Nor hate me when I come to take
This lent child back again?"

I fancied that I heard them say
"Dear Lord, Thy will be done.
For all the happiness we'll know
The risk of grief we'll run.
We'll shelter him with tenderness
And love him while we may,
And for the happiness we'll know
Forever grateful stay.
And should the angels call for him
Much sooner than we planned
We'll brave the bitter grief that comes
And try to understand."

Annonymous

My heart is broken for you and the difficult time you face right now.
I love you - Saucy