Busy Times

Now that school is starting it seems that my time is really flying by. I anticipated working for Fresno Unified School District again, and in fact received a call from Dana Counts, the inclusion specialist at Figarden Elementary, to fill a long term sub position. However, working at the office for Fresno Grand Opera this summer has culminated in season tickets going on sale and a big push to fill seats for the concerts this season (Johnny Mathis and Juan Diego Florez). Both of these things coincided in the same week. So I sat down with my boss at FGO and discussed the possibility of employing me on a full time basis (in this case, full time is 33 hours a week). He agreed to move up my hours, and so I called Dana to let her know. She was very understanding and told me she would keep my info, and asked me to call her if my schedule opened and I became available to work with her. It was a decision based solely on finances, and it tore at my heart to make it. I'll miss the children at Figarden that I've worked with the last two years. And I'll especially miss my teacher, Karen. The up side is that I am working with a wonderful group of people in the office. We went on a day trip to Walnut Creek yesterday to see an opera staring a young singer who worked with us last season and the trip was so enjoyable because of the traveling companions. So, once again my working career has taken a turn in the road. I guess I'll see where this path takes me.

Team Bella

We had so much fun at the midnight show! 3/5ths of us sat on the floor so we could sit by each other and it was still a blast. The only downside to these type of showings is that the audience tends to get a little rowdy. So, yesterday, as I was on my lunch break I went to Michele's house (she lives about 4 blocks from the school I'm working at) and told her I knew it was dumb, but I really wanted to go see the movie again - without all the screaming, oooohing, and catcalls. She confessed that she really wanted to go again also, so we went to the last showing last night.

Theatre was only half full, crowd was much more subdued, and we had excellent seats. A little more than half way through someone a few rows in front of me decided to start texting, and it really interrupted my line of sight. So to fix the problem I extended my arm and held my hand so that it blocked the extremely bright light of the cell phone - I thought it was ingenious - Michele and Theresa (Tree came along with us) thought I was deeply involved with the movie and was holding my hand out to caress Edwards face or shoulder. They started giggling, and when I finally knew what they were thinking we all had tears in our eyes from laughing so hard.

If nothing else this movie has provided the best family entertainment I've had in a long while.

I'm Eclipsed!

The girls are coming over (yes, all of them. Lo is coming into town) - we're ordering take out - watching the first two films - then heading to the theatre
MIDNIGHT SHOWING HERE WE COME
(I'm so excited!)

Now That I'm Over 50

OK, technically only a few days, but my two best friends and I start counting the upcoming year as soon as our day hits. One of the gifts I received was a book entitled "100 Things I'm Not Going To Do Now That I'm Over 50". Wonderful advise for any age, and I had to share a few things - things I already embrace.
#67 I'm not going to wake up houseguests. Especially if they're my own children. They are adults who know how to manage their own time, and I am not the Marriott.
#71 I'm not going to bargain with God. Never again. He holds us to our promises to the last syllable of recorded time. Better to just talk things over.
#74 I'm not going to avoid mentioning the dead. Grief is not assuaged by oblivion; wounds are not exacerbated by remembrance. Our immortality may be only in vigorous memories; our healing surely is.
#80 I'm not going to override the afternoon window of sleepability. I am a vision of feline sensuality, stretching languorously on a sun-warmed chaise. I am not a middle-aged woman taking a nap.
Today, right now, life is good.

Still With Me

Yesterday I was blessed to have attended the funeral for
little Wyatt Thomas Yuan. The eulogy spoken by his parents was beautiful.
That they had the strength and presence of both mind and body to do so, was utterly amazing.
As I was hugging my good-byes to Brittany she asked me how long it would be until it felt better. I told her that after 20 plus years I still occasionally have a hard day. That what she would find after time is that the bad days would be further and further apart. That she would have longer stretches of good days with happy memories.
Brit and Ili seem to be more grounded than I was when I lost Jimmy. But I also remember putting up a strong front to those other than my very closest family. I felt like I was swimming through sludge, and I remember just wanting to sleep. And then while sleeping, I'd dream of him in my arms and awaken just to lose him all over again. It helped the most to talk about Jimmy - to know that others kept him alive in their thoughts as well. And I had to learn to be tolerant of others who, in misguided sincerity, and with only the best intentions, said things like "you'll have another child" as if my Jimmy could be replaced - or "this was for the best" when to me, with the wound in my heart still so fresh, nothing about it felt like "the best".
If I could give Brit and Ili any words of comfort,
it would be that for me, twenty-four years later, Jimmy is still with me. He is never far from my thoughts, and many times over the years I've felt his spirit like a physical blanket wrapped around me. I speak of him often and I always include him when I'm asked about my children. I'm grateful for the understanding I've gained because of my loss, and I count every moment till I can see my son again.

For Brittany and Ili

God's Lent Child

"I'll lend you a child for a little while
A child of mine," God said
"For you to love the while he lives
And mourn for when he's dead.
It may be six or seven years
Or twenty-two, or three
But will you, till I call him home,
Take care of him for Me?

I cannot promise he will stay,
Since all from earth return
But there are lessons taught below
I want this child to learn.
I've looked the whole world over
In my search for parents true
And from the paths that crowd life's lanes
I have chosen you.

He'll bring his charms to gladden you,
And should his stay be brief
You'll have his loving memory
As a solace for your grief.

Now, will you give him all your love,
Not think the effort vain,
Nor hate me when I come to take
This lent child back again?"

I fancied that I heard them say
"Dear Lord, Thy will be done.
For all the happiness we'll know
The risk of grief we'll run.
We'll shelter him with tenderness
And love him while we may,
And for the happiness we'll know
Forever grateful stay.
And should the angels call for him
Much sooner than we planned
We'll brave the bitter grief that comes
And try to understand."

Annonymous

My heart is broken for you and the difficult time you face right now.
I love you - Saucy

There are two sides to every story...

There are two sides to every story...