Yesterday I was blessed to have attended the funeral for
little Wyatt Thomas Yuan. The eulogy spoken by his parents was beautiful.
That they had the strength and presence of both mind and body to do so, was utterly amazing.
As I was hugging my good-byes to Brittany she asked me how long it would be until it felt better. I told her that after 20 plus years I still occasionally have a hard day. That what she would find after time is that the bad days would be further and further apart. That she would have longer stretches of good days with happy memories.
Brit and Ili seem to be more grounded than I was when I lost Jimmy. But I also remember putting up a strong front to those other than my very closest family. I felt like I was swimming through sludge, and I remember just wanting to sleep. And then while sleeping, I'd dream of him in my arms and awaken just to lose him all over again. It helped the most to talk about Jimmy - to know that others kept him alive in their thoughts as well. And I had to learn to be tolerant of others who, in misguided sincerity, and with only the best intentions, said things like "you'll have another child" as if my Jimmy could be replaced - or "this was for the best" when to me, with the wound in my heart still so fresh, nothing about it felt like "the best".
If I could give Brit and Ili any words of comfort,
it would be that for me, twenty-four years later, Jimmy is still with me. He is never far from my thoughts, and many times over the years I've felt his spirit like a physical blanket wrapped around me. I speak of him often and I always include him when I'm asked about my children. I'm grateful for the understanding I've gained because of my loss, and I count every moment till I can see my son again.
little Wyatt Thomas Yuan. The eulogy spoken by his parents was beautiful.
That they had the strength and presence of both mind and body to do so, was utterly amazing.
As I was hugging my good-byes to Brittany she asked me how long it would be until it felt better. I told her that after 20 plus years I still occasionally have a hard day. That what she would find after time is that the bad days would be further and further apart. That she would have longer stretches of good days with happy memories.
Brit and Ili seem to be more grounded than I was when I lost Jimmy. But I also remember putting up a strong front to those other than my very closest family. I felt like I was swimming through sludge, and I remember just wanting to sleep. And then while sleeping, I'd dream of him in my arms and awaken just to lose him all over again. It helped the most to talk about Jimmy - to know that others kept him alive in their thoughts as well. And I had to learn to be tolerant of others who, in misguided sincerity, and with only the best intentions, said things like "you'll have another child" as if my Jimmy could be replaced - or "this was for the best" when to me, with the wound in my heart still so fresh, nothing about it felt like "the best".
If I could give Brit and Ili any words of comfort,
it would be that for me, twenty-four years later, Jimmy is still with me. He is never far from my thoughts, and many times over the years I've felt his spirit like a physical blanket wrapped around me. I speak of him often and I always include him when I'm asked about my children. I'm grateful for the understanding I've gained because of my loss, and I count every moment till I can see my son again.
4 comments:
I remember Jimmy's death very clearly, but I don't remember being sad about missing him. I do remember being sad for you and hating to see you cry.
When Aaron was a baby I found a box in the closet with Jimmy's funeral programs in it. I remember holding Aaron in the closet and crying, for the first time seeing a glimpse of what you must have gone through, not able to imagine losing Aaron.
I truly couldn't understand a mothers love until I was one.
i am crying as i write this. tears rolling down my cheeks. i cant see and i am hoping that my fingers can find their way. i remember every second of that day.and i have always felt that you were the bravest person i have ever known who could endure her very heart ripped from her. i remember michele still spoke to jimmy after he was gone and we were all in wonder at her afterlife ability. she was just that close to him. i still cannot listen to 'oh very young' by cat steven without crying.
i have never lived
i have never loved
i have never been a mother
but i have lost one
all i know is that you know me better than any of my siblings
and if there is luck in that
than i am lucky
happy birthday tomorrow
and thanks for helping me to remember
i love you more than you know
mona
thank you for attending the funeral, it meant a lot to me. i appreciate your counsel to Brittany and Ili. I agree, they were both remarkable for speaking at the funeral. The only thing that gave them the strength was their overwhelming desire to have Wyatt's life mean something...to give us a sense of who he was (and is) and that we never forget him. Their only desire was to honor him and the short 10 days he lived. It is amazing the strength we can find when it comes to doing things for our children, and since Brittany and Ili were the only ones who really knew Wyatt, it was incumbent upon them to share his precious life, in order to keep his memory alive.
Saucy, I haven't ever read your blog before, but my mom told me about it and this post today. Thank you, it is beautiful. It was nice to see you at his memorial. I am grateful for all of your advice and comfort.
I think with each day Ili and I get more grounded, though more tearful when not in the public eye. I plan to count Wyatt when asked about my children and I also hope to keep talking about him openly, it allows my memories of him to live on.
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